Parents are supposed to protect and nurture a child, to provide, guide and help in the development of the child’s interests.
What happens when these caregivers who were supposed to love, protect, and guide you… become the ones who harm you the most?
As you will see some caregivers don’t just damage their children in the moment—they shape generations with their dysfunction. The wound goes deeper than trauma. It’s betrayal.
In today’s episode, I want to speak directly to the souls who were born into these families. The ones who still carry the invisible scars. I want you to know this: you did nothing wrong.
You were born into chaos as a light. And your healing… it matters more than you know.
Let’s dive deeper into a place of clarity—where the truth begins to set you free.
Welcome back to Transform into Wisdom Podcast where we explore healing from narcissistic, exploitative relationships and dysfunctional families — going beyond traditional therapy to transform deep emotional wounds into wisdom, self-trust, emotional mastery and lasting empowerment.
In the last episode we discussed different types of dysfunctional families and their specific dysfunctions. But today, I want to dive even deeper.
One of the thoughts that I kept coming back to was this: if we were to rank these families based on how deeply they affect a child’s emotional, psychological, and relational development—particularly in ways that are hardest to heal from—what would that ranking look like?
Which Families Cause the Most Harm?
The truth is that it’s complex. Because the impact of a dysfunctional family depends on factors like severity, consistency, resilience, epigenetics, attachment, temperament/personality, cognitive development/insight (how quickly a child makes sense of their environment, patterns and people) etc.
But based on my research, observations, and personal experiences, there are 6 types of families that create some of the deepest and most complex wounds, often with overlapping patterns but distinct dynamics and healing needs.
These are the families that documentaries are made about—the ones that inflict active harm—for example through pathological exposure in the case of narcissism/sociopathy and other personality disorders.
The pathological family, the abusive family, the family with addiction, the scapegoating family, the emotionally immature family and ultra-religious family (think cults or cult like religious dogma).
They create the deepest wounds because they distort self-worth and emotional security at the core level. Healing from these environments is often a lifelong journey.
Because these 6 types of families cause the most harm, that will be the focus for the next episodes where we will be reviewing these family dynamics and most importantly talk about healing because that’s what this channel/podcast is about.
The 6 Families:
| Family Type | Core Traits/Dynamics | Core Wound | Core Healing Focus |
| 1. Pathological | Severe psychological disturbances (e.g., NPD, BPD); identity distortion; gaslighting; emotional cruelty | Fragmented sense of self, deep confusion, loss of reality | Rebuilding identity, reality-checking, emotional stabilization |
| 2. Abusive | Physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual abuse; fear-based control; authoritarian or chaotic environment | Fear, shame, trauma imprint | Safety, nervous system healing, trauma integration |
| 3. Addictive | Addiction dominates family life; denial; instability; parentification of children | Inconsistency, hypervigilance, self-neglect | Boundaries, emotional regulation, reparenting |
| 4. Scapegoating | One child blamed for all issues; triangulation; projection; invisible or hyper-visible role | Chronic shame, self-doubt, identity confusion | Deconstructing false narratives, reclaiming self-worth |
| 5. Emotionally Immature | Inability to attune or connect emotionally; children feel invisible, unheard, or overly responsible | Emotional neglect, abandonment wound | Self-validation, emotional literacy, inner parenting |
| 6. Ultra-Religious | Rigid dogma > emotional connection; fear-based morality; suppression of individuality | Spiritual trauma, suppressed authenticity | Deconstructing belief systems, spiritual autonomy, inner freedom |
Remember, you can’t heal what you don’t know, you can’t heal what you don’t acknowledge. But once you do acknowledge the harm and become aware of how it works in you and in the family system, then you can begin to change yourself from the inside out.
For today I want to focus on the top of the food chain – The pathological family.
The Most Damaging Family
The most damaging family is the one with one or two pathological parents.
- Both caregivers have personality disorders.
- One pathological parent, one non-pathological parent, who is protective and supportive— (normal but traumatized parent).
- One pathological, one better but emotionally immature parent.
- One pathological, one better parent who is emotionally immature, sometimes protective, other times just as selfish and abusive as pathological parent, with intermittent positive reinforcement.
Why is it the most damaging? It’s because if you came from such a family, you were harmed by someone else’s pathology.
It’s not about giving a label, it’s about the clarity it brings when healing—that is—acknowledging the harm caused by someone else’s pathology. That it was not your fault.
Who is a Pathological Parent?
A pathological parent is someone whose behavior consistently and severely harms their child’s emotional, psychological, and physical development due to chronic and deeply entrenched dysfunction.
Why? Because the dysfunction is not an occasional occurrence due to stress – it’s pervasive, often rooted in a personality disorder where there is unresolved trauma, and long-standing maladaptive coping mechanisms or genetic imprint passed down from one generation to another.
And we will talk about epigenetics in a different episode.
Now there is a distinction between abusive and pathological though the two can overlap. The nuance is in the depth, structure and pervasiveness of the dysfunction.
So, let’s go deeper.
The Abusive Family
An abusive family is one in which harmful behaviors—whether physical, emotional, psychological—are present. The abuse may be:
- Intermittent or situational (e.g., triggered by stress, addiction, or financial pressure)
- Reactive, rather than calculated or orchestrated
- Sometimes mixed with genuine care or guilt, creating confusion
- Perpetuated by individuals who may still retain some capacity for self-awareness, remorse, or change
In abusive families, the dysfunction is painful and damaging—but there may still be hope of repair, especially if one or more caregivers eventually wake up to the harm they’ve caused.
The Pathological Family
A pathological family goes deeper—it’s not just about harmful behavior; it’s about distorted psychological architecture at the core of the family system.
In a pathological family:
- One or both caregivers exhibit personality disorders (often narcissistic, borderline, sociopathic, etc.)
- There is a systemic denial of reality, truth, and emotional nuance
- Children are not seen as individuals but are manipulated into roles (e.g., scapegoat, golden child, lost child)
- There is often generational repetition of deep trauma with no insight or accountability
- Gaslighting, triangulation, and emotional incest are woven into the fabric of the family
- Empathy is often entirely absent or used as a manipulation tactic
- The child is not just abused—they are psychologically disoriented, taught to distrust themselves, and fragmented at the level of identity
The Core Difference
While both cause harm, the pathological family is an ecosystem designed to sustain the dysfunction, where abuse is normalized, unquestioned, and often covertly rewarded. There’s rarely any recognition that something is “wrong” within the system—because the system itself is built on illusion and control.
In contrast, an abusive family may still have emotional “cracks” where truth seeps in. A parent may break down. A sibling may validate your pain. A moment of reality might pierce through.
That’s far rarer in a pathological system, where truth is dangerous, and the child’s perception must be shattered to preserve the lie.
Why This Matters for Healing
- Survivors of abuse may need trauma-informed tools and boundaries.
- Survivors of pathology abuse often need rebuilding of the self, deprogramming of false realities, and deep identity reclamation— Basically, a death of the old self and a rebirth of the new Real Self.
Both are hard. But the invisible complexity of a pathological system often makes survivors question their very sanity, which is why this distinction matters so much.
Like many other things — pathology exists on a spectrum, a continuum, it isn’t black and white.
So, what is pathological about such a parent?
Key Traits of a Pathological Parent
1) Chronic Emotional Unavailability
Chronic emotional unavailability— This is the parent who cannot truly connect, empathize, or validate their child’s inner world.
Because of their low emotional capacity, they rely on pseudo-relationships—conversations about the weather, politics, farming, fishing, hunting, or sports—as a substitute for real intimacy.
These surface-level exchanges leave the child feeling empty, unseen, and unheard, as if something is inherently wrong with them.
What every child truly longs for is to be held with warmth, to feel deeply loved, to play and laugh freely with their parent, to share joy, curiosity, and comfort. They want to be told—and shown—that they are special, lovable, and safe.
And most of all, they need to know that love is not withdrawn when they make mistakes. Without that, the child begins to internalize the absence as evidence of unworthiness.
2) Distorted sense of reality
They use gaslighting, projecting blame and making the child doubt their own perceptions. They deny any wrongdoing and blame the child or other people. The child may feel as though they cannot trust their reality and they rely on the parents’ version of reality.
The first time this happened with my father; I remember like it was yesterday. I remember saying – how can there be two versions of reality? I know what I saw. I could not explain the discrepancy because I was so young, and I thought he must have heard from some misguided source.
But ultimately, I always said – I know what I saw. And that was my truth, and I always stuck with it. But that is because I had a strong sense of knowing, which might have saved my life and my sanity. But not everyone is like that.
Because the gaslighting starts at such a young age, some people unwittingly relinquish their sense of truth for their parents’ version of truth, and this leads to chronic confusion.
3) Lack of accountability
Lack of accountability: They rarely take accountability. And when they do, apologies are insincere, manipulative and lack a change in actions. Usually there are two sets of rules: one for them and a different one for you and everyone else.
4) Control and manipulation
Control and manipulation—At the core of such pathology is the parents’ need to manipulate and control. The love to the child is conditional based on how much they please the pathological parent.
The child may be shamed, coerced into obedience, silence and caretaking of the parent’s emotions. Guilt and shame are the currency in such a dynamic. And that can leave a child with a sense of “maybe I need to be told what to do because when I do what I want, I am told it’s wrong”.
5) Repetition of trauma cycles
Often (not always), the pathological parent was wounded and never healed because there is no cure for personality disorders like narcissism or borderline. They perpetuate the cycle.
As you are listening to this you can clearly see that not every parent who struggles or makes mistakes is pathological. That’s the key distinction here. What makes it pathological is the ongoing, unacknowledged harm paired with an inability and unwillingness to grow, reflect or change.
Pathological parents create a false mirror where the child doesn’t see who they are, but only who the parents needs them to be.
For example:
- The child is naturally sensitive or expressive—but the parent needs them to be quiet, obedient, or perfect.
- The child is angry because of injustice—but the parent says, “You’re being ungrateful” or “You’re too dramatic.”
Over time, the child begins to think:
“Maybe I am too much.”
“Maybe I should be more like what they want.”
“Maybe love is earned by abandoning who I really am.”
This is the beginning of self-alienation. The child internalizes a false identity—one designed for survival, not authenticity.
Why Is There So Much Harm from A Pathological Parent?
- It’s not just about what is done.
- It’s about what is unacknowledged, no repair, no recourse, no reflection and no emotional landing
- The child is erased. Unseen, unheard, invalidated.
- The child is made to feel that their needs, perceptions are invalid.
- When a child reaches out for connection and is met with distortions or coldness, they don’t stop needing love- they stop trusting themselves.
- They stop expressing.
- They start performing.
- They internalize the parents’ dysfunction as their own defect. They become their own worst inner critic, a voice that torments them from the inside.
What’s different from a flawed but emotionally available parent, is that they see the child’s pain and try to make things right. That attempt to make things right goes a long way to preserve a child’s sense of reality.
But a pathological parent – narcissistic, borderline or otherwise deeply disordered parent— warps reality.
A child who is simply being a child in the eyes of a pathological parent is selfish, a threat, bad, wrong, a burden.
This makes a child create a false belief that they are unlovable. “Who I am must be unlovable”.
So, the child can achieve all kinds of success but when it comes to love, they feel broken, needy, too sensitive, too much…
These messages are so subtle, so persistent, pervasive, spiritually violating, that even in adulthood, the echo is still present.
The Ultimate Betrayal
Parents are meant to protect, nurture, and guide. To see you. Support you. Help you grow into who you truly are.
But what happens when the very people who are supposed to love you unconditionally are the ones who use, neglect, and harm you?
This is the kind of betrayal that runs so deep, it defies logic. It breaks something sacred inside. Because the wound isn’t just the trauma—it’s the betrayal.
The betrayal of trust. Of innocence. Of your place in the world.
If your own parents couldn’t love or care for you enough…
Where do you even begin to gather the scattered pieces of yourself?
Let’s call it what it is.
Pathological Parents Fracture Generations
Pathological parents don’t just harm their children in the moment—they fracture generations.
They hand down not just trauma, but the very blueprint for dysfunction:
- They pass on pathology and traumatic genetic markers that shape how future generations respond to stress, emotion, and connection.
- They stunt identity development and emotional growth—leading to anxiety, depression, attachment wounds, and complex PTSD.
- They create deep emotional loneliness that follow the child into adulthood.
- They destroy relationships—within the family and beyond.
- They leave ripple effects that touch friends, neighbors, courtrooms, custody battles, and entire communities.
- And in their wake, they leave confusion, chaos, and silence. Because no one can quite grasp what just happened. Only that something vital was stolen.
- Ultimately, the damage is physical (think illnesses), emotional, psychological, spiritual, financial, and deeply relational (difficulty in forming or maintaining healthy relationships).
If you were born into a pathological family, this is for you.
I see you, I feel you, I am you.
And I want you to hear this loud and clear:
You did nothing wrong.
You were born into dysfunction as a light—to heal yourself, and through that healing, shift what has been unspoken for generations.
Healing is possible.
It begins with awareness, followed by learning about pathology, doing the trauma work, and walking the courageous path of individuation—the journey back to your Real Self.
Sensitive souls often carry the impact more heavily. But that same sensitivity is your gift — It gives you the capacity to break cycles, to feel deeply, to rise.
You are not alone. Your past is part of your story, but it is not your destiny.
Coming Up in the Next Episode …
In the next episode, we’ll take a deep dive into the most damaging family dynamics (families 1-6), unpacking their behaviors, the lasting effects they’ve had on you, and, most importantly, practical steps to break free and reclaim your power.
The key to healing lies in clarity—recognizing exactly what harmed you, understanding how it shaped you, acknowledging what you needed but didn’t receive, and intentionally choosing what you want to carry forward.
If this episode resonated with you, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to share your insights or experiences with me here or on my podcast (Apple podcast or Spotify) or wherever you listen to podcasts or join us on Substack where we have our community.
If you are wondering how I can help you heal from narcissistic relationships and reclaim your emotional freedom and personal power to reach your full potential, please fill out the application on my website to join my 5 month Emotional Mastery Program.
While on my website also check out my Empowerment sessionwhich is truly transformational.
Please take care of yourself and remember—you are not alone on this journey. I’m right here with you.