The first puzzle piece in healing from gaslighting and cognitive dissonance is understanding the core template of a narcissist, which is who they truly are beneath the charm, the chaos, and the illusion.
Not the version they sold you. Not the mask. But the actual inner blueprint—the narcissistic template that runs on repeat.
And when you see it clearly, stripped of all the theater and emotional debris… something shifts.
You stop taking their cruelty personally.
You stop trying to make sense of nonsense.
You stop dancing with delusion.
Up to this point you have taken what the narcissist did as PERSONAL. By the end of this conversation, you will realize how IMPERSONAL their actions are.
Because what you’ve been internalizing all these years? Was never about YOU.
It was always their broken algorithm.
Their distorted lens.
By the end of this episode, my hope is that you’ll feel something priceless: RELIEF, CLARITY, AND FREEDOM.
You stop focusing on the narcissist, and you focus on you so that the real work of individuation and coming home to yourself can begin.
Today’s Agenda
- The Core Template of a Narcissist
- THE EXPERIMENT: The Narcissist’s Inner Lab—A house of mirrors inside themselves
- What is the role of the narcissist in the world where we will come to some powerful insights about the narcissist?
- Emotional Mastery and Empowerment where we will come to some powerful insights about you
The Core Template of a Narcissist
“Not who they seem—but who they fear they are.”
1. Fragmented Self / Ego Split
- What it is: A fragile, disorganized sense of identity. No coherent inner self.
- Why it matters: Without a stable core, the narcissist constructs a false self—an idealized persona designed to win admiration and avoid shame.
- How it shows up: Masking, role-playing, exaggerated self-image, and emotional volatility when that mask is threatened.
2. Chronic Shame & Insecurity
- What it is: Deep-seated shame about not being good enough or being defective.
- Why it matters: This shame is intolerable, so it’s hidden under superiority or blame.
- How it shows up: Grandiosity, defensiveness, denial, rage when exposed, and refusal to apologize or be vulnerable.
3. Paranoia & Projected Fantasies
- What it is: A persistent belief that others are out to shame, abandon, or undermine them.
- Why it matters: Because the narcissist projects their inner fears outward, they become suspicious and controlling.
- How it shows up: accusations, twisting reality, constant blame-shifting, and chronic distrust.
4. Emotional Shallowness (Shallow Affect)
- What it is: A limited ability to feel or express deep emotion—especially empathy or remorse.
- Why it matters: True intimacy or mutuality threatens their control; deep emotional vulnerability is avoided.
- How it shows up: Surface charm, love-bombing, cold withdrawal, using emotion for manipulation instead of connection.
5. Need for Control and Dominance
- What it is: An obsessive need to manage how others see them and behave around them.
- Why it matters: Losing control feels like annihilation—so they exert control to maintain the illusion of superiority.
- How it shows up: Gaslighting, micromanaging, possessiveness, boundary violations, and rage when challenged.
6. Fear of Intimacy
- What it is: Intimacy requires authenticity, vulnerability, and surrender—all things the narcissist avoids.
- Why it matters: Intimacy exposes the inner void and threatens their false self.
- How it shows up: Hot-cold behavior, sabotage of closeness, emotional unavailability, and superficial relationships.
7. Vulnerability Masked as Aggression or Superiority
- What it is: The REAL self is insecure, afraid, and often wounded—but this is masked with dominance or emotional detachment.
- Why it matters: Aggression is used to hide tenderness they cannot risk showing.
- How it shows up: Cruelty, sarcasm, power games, contempt, or “playing the hero.”
8. External Validation Addiction
- What it is: Their self-worth depends entirely on EXTERNAL FEEDBACK—admiration, status, and praise.
- Why it matters: They cannot self-regulate emotionally or feel “enough” without supply.
- How it shows up: Image obsession, attention-seeking, affairs, overwork, social media addiction, bragging.
Summary Narcissist Template
- Fragmented self/ego
- Deep internal Shame
- Paranoia and projecting paranoid fantasies onto others
- Deep internal insecurity of not being good enough
- Vulnerable masking as a strong person or aggressiveness
- Need for control
- Fear of intimacy
- Emotional shallowness/Shallow affect
The Narcissist’s Inner Lab: A House of Smoke and Mirrors
Imagine a narcissist as someone who built a house of mirrors inside themselves.
Every reflection is carefully arranged to hide what they fear:
- shame,
- unworthiness,
- abandonment, and
- fear of being exposed.
But the house is fragile—and any crack (a criticism, a boundary, an emotional need) threatens to shatter it. So, they guard it with:
- Walls of control
- Windows of charm
- Doors locked with silence or rage
Perception is Filtered Through Our Unique Lens Defined by Our Internal Filters (Belief Systems, Trauma, Nervous System States, Unmet Needs, Etc.)
As humans, our perception is filtered through our unique lens defined by our internal filters (past, our mindset, our internal wiring, belief systems, trauma, nervous system states, our fears, and our dreams).
Scenario:
Two friends, Sam and Chris, both text their partner: “Hey, are we still on for dinner?”
The partner doesn’t reply for 3 hours.
Sam’s internal lens:
- Grew up with emotionally unavailable parents
- Carries the fear of abandonment
- Has been ghosted in a past relationship
- Mindset: “If someone goes quiet, they’re leaving.”
Sam’s reaction:
Her heart races. She rereads the message. She assumes she’s being ignored. Her mind spirals into “They don’t care about me.” She texts again, more anxiously: “Is everything okay? Why aren’t you answering?”
Chris’s internal lens:
- Grew up with consistent communication
- No trauma around silence
- Trusts their relationship
- Mindset: “He is probably just busy.”
Chris’s reaction:
She goes about his day. Checks her phone later, sees the response: “Hey love, sorry! Got slammed at work. Still on for 7?”
Same event—totally different realities.
Their past experiences, wiring, and core beliefs filtered the exact same silence in wildly different ways.
What we perceive is never just what happened. It’s what happened filtered through who we are, where we’ve been, and what we still carry inside.
Understanding this doesn’t just create self-awareness—it creates compassion. Because it reminds us: “They’re not reacting to the moment. They’re reacting to the meaning it carries—for them.”
The Experiment: The Narcissist as a Lived Algorithm
Premise:
If humans interpret and act through internal filters (belief systems, trauma, nervous system states, unmet needs, etc.), and if the narcissistic “template” is made up of distorted inputs…
Then:
The OUTPUT—i.e., behavior in real-world relationships—will predictably distort reality, connection, and emotional safety.
In other words, the crazymaking behavior is not random. It’s the logical result of a faulty inner algorithm running on wounded code.
The Inner Narcissistic Operating System (From the Template) and their Real-World Behavior
| Internal Program | Filtered Interpretation | Real-World Behavior |
| I am inherently defective (shame) | Vulnerability is a threat | Gaslighting when confronted |
| People will hurt or abandon me | Others are dangerous | Control, paranoia, projection |
| Emotions are a weakness. | Intimacy is unsafe | Coldness, withdrawal, dismissal |
| I must be admired to exist | People are tools for validation | Love-bombing, devaluation |
| I cannot self-soothe | Others must supply me | Addiction to praise, rage at criticism |
Now, imagine you’re in a relationship with someone running this code. It would play out like a glitchy, nightmarish game where:
- Every emotional bid is denied or distorted
- Every truth you speak is flipped on you
- Every moment of vulnerability becomes evidence against you
- The rules change when you get close to figuring out the game
- You start to doubt your own character for even noticing the game is rigged
That’s not just dysfunctional—it’s cognitive warfare.
But if you trace it backwards, you’ll see: The behavior was always the output of a defective inner machine.
The Illusion of Chaos — The Logic Behind It
To an outsider, narcissistic behavior seems “random,” dramatic, or manipulative.
But to someone who understands the internal architecture, it’s deeply predictable:
- When you poke shame, expect rage or blame
- When you get too close, expect emotional retreat or sabotage
- When you express a need, expect redirection, mockery, or minimization
- When you assert boundaries, expect punishment or smearing
It’s not chaotic. It’s algorithmic self-protection/self-preservation, designed to keep the fragile ego from crumbling.
Why It Feels Like You’re the Problem in a Relationship with a Narcissist
Because the narcissistic algorithm requires a co-star, you’re pulled in to REACT in ways that affirm their worldview:
- You get angry → “See? You’re unstable.”
- You seek clarity → “You’re too much.”
- You withdraw → “You’re the one abandoning me.”
So, the algorithm works.
They stay “innocent.”
You start to question your sanity.
That’s what makes it crazy-making.
It’s like stepping into someone else’s dream—and being blamed for the plot.
We Are All Running Code. We all have internal algorithms.
We all have internal algorithms. What makes narcissistic dynamics so harmful is that their code resists updating. It fights reality to preserve a false self—no matter the emotional cost to others.
But you, you are running a different code. Of honesty, goodness, and authenticity, you are what makes humanity great. Your code has never resisted updating. If it did, you wouldn’t be listening to me right now.
You are not fighting reality to preserve a false self; you’re pulled in to react in ways that affirm their worldview.
How To Stop Playing the Games with the Narcissist
Here is the game changer.
You can stop playing the game.
How?
By recognizing the dance. They do XYZ, and you do ABC.
What is it that you do?
Stop doing that.
Stop playing the game by not playing at all.
By not reacting.
That means when someone throws the ball, you watch it go right past you and not take any action. If you pick up the ball, you are in the game. If you watch the ball and do nothing… Well, look at you…
This is not emotional numbness.
This is EMOTIONAL MASTERY.
Knowing that a leopard never changes its spots. And that the snake may shed its skin, but it’s still a snake.
Stop playing the game by not playing at all.
It’s about accepting that the false premise you always had about the goodness of all mankind was just that—a false premise.
Because human nature is capable of so much love and so much cruelty. The duality could not be clearer in today’s society.
A narcissist will NEVER change its core. It may shed its skin, become a father and a husband, be rich and successful, and win a Nobel Peace Prize, but the algorithm at the core will never change.
What is the Role of the Narcissist in the World?
Because the narcissist didn’t come to grow. He or she came as an agent of change. Just NOT in the Mother Teresa way that you expected.
That you will see so much darkness and run towards the light.
Just like you have purpose here on earth, they have a purpose too.
To stir the underbelly of what society has always hidden and pretended doesn’t exist. To show us what we have done to each other over centuries is not forgotten.
That the wars we had and the hatred for other people who didn’t look like us or behave like us were not going away.
But it was morphing in our DNA and passed on from one generation to another. That the cruelty children went through all these decades is not forgotten; it lives among us in DNA in our families.
The narcissist is here to expose it all. Just not in ways you thought.
He is not the saint whistleblower who receives a medal at the end of the exposé. He is the filthy, greedy, nasty, stealing, smiling, rich, alcoholic CEO father/son/uncle who gets thrown in prison and people distance themselves from him…
Or the seemingly harmless father who destroys his own children’s emotional world and future because he is afraid to face himself and his demons.
Or something somewhere in between… You fill in the blanks with your story.
Emotional Mastery and Empowerment After Narcissistic Abuse
So, if you meet a narcissist today, you see the games they play, you know the game. NEVER take the bait. The game begins when you take the bait, when you pick up the ball.
And if you get triggered, use those opportunities (or triggers) to go within and heal what has surfaced.
What is the trigger? What caused the trigger? What is it making you do?
This is compassionate inquiry.
Observe your behavior or reaction and here is the secret {don’t dwell on what the other person was doing}, because it’s not about them. It’s about YOU getting back all your power. I said don’t dwell, I didn’t say ignore. You notice, don’t ignore and don’t dwell.
It’s about you NOT reacting to their game.
And that takes practice, doesn’t it? The lesson of Emotional Mastery.
If I get a group of cats and dogs and start playing house music to the cats and dogs will they dance to the rhythm of the song? No. Why do you dance? You recognize the music; you know the steps.
But now, you see the game. You see the players. You see the steps. You know how they think. You pause. You change the rules and not play the game, you don’t dance. You walk away.
Walking away takes power. The easiest thing is to get pulled into the drama and before you know it, you are back to confusion and paralysis.
Questions for Personal Reflection
So, if you understand that your father or mother or former lover has a very specific unchangeable code or algorithm running their life, a code that resists updating, a code that creates chaos by nature, would you take things so personally?
If you understood that the DNA plays a huge role in perpetuating narcissism in families, would you take things so personally?
If you understood that you are the light and you came for a specific purpose which to heal yourself and your lineage and through that experience help others who are hurt, would you take things so personally?
When Jesus said the phrase, “Father forgive them for they do not know what they are doing”, do you think a narcissist who has a faulty inner algorithm running on wounded code knows exactly what they are doing and understands all the repercussions of all their actions? {Note: This phrase seemed appropriate but does not in any shape or form ask or imply that you forgive anyone}
A faulty inner algorithm that is devoid of conscience and empathy knows exactly what they are doing and understands all the repercussions of all their actions? You do. But do they?
Logically, if you were born into a family with a narcissist, the result was always going to be the same. Remove all the variables of skin color, economic status, age, gender and just assume the (Inner Narcissistic Operating System From the Template that we reviewed), the result was always going to be the same.
Nothing Has Gone Wrong. You Are Exactly on Your Path.
You are on your path to heal yourself and your lineage and through that healing become a light house and share the light with others. You are here at a time of great change, of increasing consciousness on the planet.
The first time my guides said this to me I almost threw up. I thought this to myself “God Almighty with all his might could not find another way to heal my lineage and help me become a light house other than through pain? “
Pain is the greatest teacher, it gets your attention and forces you to change your ways and wake up from the deep slumber, it destroys every false identity created in your path so that you find yourself at the bottom and guess what — you are still alive. You survived.
The old self is dead. Your true self has always been within you, waiting for the moment when you were ready to claim it. And I will talk more about this on another episode so you might as well pull up a chair and subscribe to the podcast, so you don’t miss anything.
The journey is treacherous, but all roads lead back to PERSONAL EMPOWERMENT AND EMOTIONAL MASTERY, which is what I help my clients with. Helping survivors of abuse heal and transform their pain into wisdom and power to reach their full potential.
Envision the Emotional Freedom That You Deserve
If you are in a place where you can close your eyes, close your eyes and imagine…
- You show up confident and grounded with your family of origin and always honor your needs.
- You feel that you are enough. You are loved and you approve of yourself.
- You put yourself first, prioritize self-care and your overall well-being. You care for others without over-caring.
- You have strong boundaries, and you can separate others’ energy/problems from your own.
- You feel safe, having trust in yourself and believe that you will find the happy, healthy love you deserve.
- You know who you are, and you learn something new about yourself every day.
- You honor and welcome your emotions. They guide and support you.
- You use your God given gifts to live fearlessly and authentically.
Imagine feeling this great everyday trusting yourself knowing that you are supported no matter what comes your way! If this is a vision that you have for yourself you don’t have to wait on the sidelines waiting and wondering when it will be your time to live and enjoy life again.
Do yourself a favor and give yourself a gift and apply for my step-by-step support through my 5-month Emotional Mastery Program. To read more, go to transformintowisdom.com/work-with-mariam/ and share a bit about yourself and I’ll be in touch by email soon to invite you to a free Discovery Call and give you access to my calendar.
This vision doesn’t have to live in your head; it’s time to turn it into reality and create the life you want now.
Let’s get you the emotional freedom that you deserve so that you can live a life that you have always dreamed of.
When we started this episode, my hope was that you’ll leave feeling something priceless:
Relief. Clarity. Freedom.
I hope you got exactly that.
You stop focusing on the narcissist and you focus on YOU so that the real work of individuation and coming home to yourself can begin.
In our next episode, we will continue talking about healing and how to reclaim your reality after emotional abuse.
Stay safe and Take care. I will see you in the next episode.