When I started my inner work, it was because I had endured a toxic relationship, and I could not understand why I had to experience this particular type of relationship. I am highly intelligent, kind, and funny, with a great personality, and my first instinct was that this was some kind of mistake.
I thought I had simply taken a wrong turn in life, that instead of going right, I went left.
It seemed to make sense because the person I was involved with had deceived me from the very beginning.
So, it must have been all about him and not about me, right?
By all accounts, I was a good person. So, how did I end up in such a painful situation with this person who presented as one thing and turned out to be the complete opposite?
How Did This Happen to Me?
To find the answer, I had to start from the very beginning.
When you’re born into this world, you’re energetically whole and perfect. As a baby, you’re carefree and expect to be loved and cared for. If you were fortunate, you were born into a family that eagerly awaited your arrival.
Maybe there were baby showers and preparations for your nursery. Your parents might have read parenting books, attended classes, and imagined a bright future for you.
But life is rarely perfect. Perhaps you were born to parents who loved you deeply but struggled to meet your needs. Maybe you arrived by surprise to caregivers who weren’t ready for you. No matter the circumstances, you were born to individuals with their own history, wounds, and limitations.
And so, your curriculum of life began.
When my mom became pregnant with me, she was 18 and still in high school. She didn’t want me; she wanted to finish her studies. This is understandable. She came from a very religious family that frowned upon having a child out of wedlock. She imagined the shame she was going to bring to her family and their religious beliefs.
She went through moments of despair and finally came to a place of acceptance that she was going to have me.
Right from the beginning, my father was physically unavailable. I would see him for a few minutes, a few days a week, mostly in passing. He lived with another woman his family approved of while my mother’s family was despised because they were poor.
Eventually, when my father’s relationship with this woman fell apart, my father quickly filled in the gap with my mother. They got married very quickly.
This is what my mom wanted—to have both parents raising their children. It made sense, given that she had grown up most of her life without seeing her father regularly, so she wanted something different for her children. Of course, she was in for a rude awakening.
But as the years went by, the way I saw my father compared to the very early days didn’t shift dramatically. I still saw him for a few minutes a day, every day, and mostly in passing. He was physically and emotionally unavailable. And so, my attachment wound was formed.
As a child, it is natural to view parents like gods: loving, soothing, and life-giving. There is a dependence on them for survival and nurturing. From a soul perspective, each child enters this world whole, eager to grow into their unique potential.
But when the sacred bond between child and caregiver is broken—through neglect, absence, or trauma—a wound forms. For some, this happens early; for others, it occurs later through significant loss or hardship.
As a sensitive child, you experienced the world around you differently from others who may not have had the same trait. Experiencing intense feelings of both joy and sadness, wanting connection, to be held, to be loved, to be playful…
And all these experiences played a part in the psychological foundation that you created for yourself and carried into adulthood.
Examine What Happened to You in Childhood
Childhood often begins with an invisible wound—a wound of the heart, felt deeply but impossible to process at such a tender age. As children do, survival becomes the focus, and they instinctively adapt to navigate their environment.
Resilience leads to coping mechanisms. Some are adaptive, like creativity or excelling in school, while others, like repression or people-pleasing, are protective but limiting. These tools serve a purpose in childhood but linger into adulthood, long past their usefulness.
Unhealed wounds remain hidden, shaping thoughts and actions from the shadows. These survival tools, ingrained and instinctive, unconsciously guide behavior, creating patterns that feel inescapable.
On the surface, a person may appear accomplished—thriving at work, managing relationships, and projecting the image of success. Yet inside, there’s a fragile foundation: a sense of emptiness, low self-esteem, and a struggle to set boundaries or express true emotions.
It’s like a beautiful house with lights shining brightly outside, yet inside, it’s built on a loose foundation; it feels cold, empty, and abandoned.
These wounds from the past remain active, manifesting as silent struggles—laughing when you want to cry, settling for breadcrumbs in love or work, when what you truly yearn for is acknowledgment and connection.
These emotions aren’t imagined; they’re real and deeply familiar. They echo the past and whisper the truth of what’s been left unresolved.
What is in Your Relationship Blueprint?
As a sensitive adult, unresolved wounds shape relationships. Interaction with others often comes from a “relationship blueprint” passed down from parents and grandparents.
This blueprint defines how individuals perceive and interact with others—as colleagues, friends, or romantic partners. In dysfunctional families, this blueprint often includes patterns of abuse, neglect, and suppression of a child’s individuality.
In such families, the child within—weak, dependent, and vulnerable—is often persecuted. The caregiver, having endured similar treatment, perpetuates the cycle. There may also be a passive parent who fails to protect the child, retreating into their own escape mechanisms.
As a wounded adult, it becomes easy to be drawn to situations that mirror childhood experiences. Meeting someone who triggers those familiar feelings unconsciously recreates the environment of upbringing, hoping this time to master the challenge.
And so, the cycle repeats …
This is how wounds persist into adulthood as unfinished business. For me, this toxic relationship was part of my unfinished business—part of my life curriculum. It forced me to confront my inner child’s wounds and the patterns I’d carried forward.
Parents’ emotionally unresolved trauma becomes your trauma.
What helped me move forward was putting it all together and understanding how I ended up in a difficult, unfulfilling relationship with a narcissist that was bound to fail from the start. And I am forever grateful that the relationship failed. It was time to change my relationship blueprint. (more on that later).
Understanding these dynamics is the first step toward healing. It requires examining the wounds of the past and the coping mechanisms developed along the way.
Only by bringing these unconscious patterns into the light can healing begin, creating a healthier and more fulfilling life. My journey of inner work began with this realization, and it has transformed the way I understand myself, my relationships, and my path forward.
As sensitive souls on the healing path to wholeness, there are many aspects of the wounded self that you will encounter.
You will meet people who will reflect to you a part of you that wants to be healed.
It’s not something negative. I know it feels that way. But it’s not.
It’s a learning experience for you to discover things about you and others that you don’t prefer and give you clarity on what you prefer.
When I was going through this difficult time of my life, I didn’t have a blueprint or mentor to learn from. But I can tell you from experience that it’s all about PERSPECTIVE.
Something happened to you.
and
This challenge is happening FOR you.
It is an opportunity for major growth, not only for yourself but for others.
Healing is a journey, not a destination. And when the pain body is triggered outside of therapy, the loving thing to do is to pause and be present as to what is happening.
- What are you feeling?
- What circumstances triggered that feeling?
- Who were you with when you started to feel that way?
- If you close your eyes and go back to your earliest time you felt that feeling, what was happening then?
- When you experience those feelings, what do they make you do? What do they keep you from doing?
Acknowledge and validate your feelings and emotions. It is normal and healthy and part of releasing resistance and stuck energy.
Healing sometimes feels like one step forward and a few steps back. That is also normal.
What is important is to pause and introspect. Listen to your body and those subtle messages that are coming to you.
Your soul is always calling you home, back to yourself, back to wholeness.
The question is — Are you listening?