There comes a moment when you stop trying to figure out what they did—and start asking, “What do I believe now?”
In this episode, we’re not focused on the abuser. We’re focused on you—and how to reclaim the reality that was taken, twisted, or silenced.
We’ll talk about what gets in the way, like rationalization, the stories we tell to survive…and intellectualization, where we stay in our heads to avoid feeling what hurts.
And then, we’ll begin to explore the deeper shift—the kind of shift that doesn’t just change how you think… but how you feel in your body, how you see the moment, and how you finally start to trust yourself again.
This episode is a map home. Not to the past—but to your own clarity. Let’s begin.
Introducing Today’s Agenda
Today we continue to talk about reclaiming your reality after emotional abuse. We started in episode 13 talking about gaslighting and cognitive dissonance.
In episode 14 we went into the inner mind of a narcissist and came to some powerful insights. If you haven’t listened to that episode yet, please go back and take a listen at transformintowisdom.com/14
We already know that a narcissistic person has an alternate reality that’s different from the reality that most people can agree upon.
They come to conclusions using data that isn’t real or from narratives that didn’t happen; they rewrite history and minimize or deny events or impacts, and this makes a person doubt their reality.
In episode 14 we talked about the internal faulty wiring that makes this behavior IMPERSONAL; it’s not PERSONAL. The only challenge to any survivor and to you is that it feels PERSONAL because this is someone you love, and you expected them to reciprocate the love.
It’s a personal relationship, and so the wound from the narcissist feels PERSONAL, and yet all their actions are IMPERSONAL.
IT’S NOT YOU.
We know that emotional abuse profoundly disrupts your sense of what is real, true, and trustworthy, both internally and externally.
We also know that gaslighting/cognitive dissonance is the most psychologically damaging of the narcissistic dynamic.
How Can You Reclaim Your Reality After Emotional Abuse?
Part of the reason I am speaking with you today with my head as clear as the Florida sunshine is because I was always headstrong and very intuitive since I was a child. Headstrong means that it’s impossible for someone to shake what I know. Why? Because I know what I saw.
Another gift that I have had since I was a child is a powerful intuition rooted in the body—where I can “feel” truth viscerally. As I grew older and started my healing from childhood and relationship trauma, my intuition increased such that sometimes I don’t need to speak to you to know what’s going on with you.
It’s the reason why I can walk into a house and know what is going on with the people inside the house without meeting them. I can “feel” truth viscerally. And I trust my intuition, and I claim my reality.
If I saw something and I didn’t have context for it, I would take it as that—that I didn’t have context for it. And after having a conversation, if it was the truth, everything dissolves. If it was not the truth, questions and doubt remain.
My own father tried to gaslight me with his version of reality, but it never worked. Because my brain would always go back to what I saw with my own 2 eyes. Sometimes he would create a negative spin version of what I did, and I never bought his lies because I knew what I did.
But I always wondered where he got the crazy stories that he told. And my mother, may God forgive her, because of ignorance or because of being abused for so many years by this same man, sided with him, and it ultimately destroyed the relationship between me and my mother.
I mean, what do you do when your own mother, who is supposed to protect you, sides with your other parent, who abused you?
I can laugh now at this insanity, but there was a time when I could not understand why or how a mother could side with her abuser until I understood what trauma does to the brain and how gaslighting works.
We were abused by the same man, but she sided with him (a man who is basically a stranger) over her own child, her own flesh and blood… I am telling you this world can really shake you to the core…
People don’t just stop talking to their parents for no reason.
It wasn’t until I was older that I finally understood that he and I don’t live in the same world, and we never will, and that’s okay.
What Is Your Version of Reality?
You have to reclaim your reality with “I know what I saw” and “I know what I experienced,” even if no one else will back your story.
What did you see?
What did you feel?
What was your version?
What was it filtered through?
And then ask yourself, were you upset when it happened? Were you emotional?
What we see depends on how we are feeling at the time.
If you are too excited or sad and depressed, you will not see things objectively.
When your dopamine is hijacked through love bombing, for example, you don’t see things clearly.
When you are depressed about something, it seems like nothing good has ever happened in your life, right?
Everything goes through your lens of viewing the world.
A lens that was developed very early on since childhood.
This is now the world of self-discovery for you.
Notice what happens on days when you are happy and days when you are moody or irritable.
Do you notice that when you are happy, everyone you meet is kind and happy? And when you are irritable, everyone seems to annoy the heck out of you?
You get what you feel and what you feel is what you get…
The follow-up question then is, “Was that the objective truth, or was I seeing that through the lens of trauma?”
Objective Truth Vs Seeing Through the Lens of Trauma
How do you know that you are seeing something through a lens of trauma?
You can’t claim your reality without checking if you in fact are the one seeing things through a lens of trauma.
3 Most Telling Signs That You’re Seeing Something Through a Lens of Trauma
Here are the 3 most telling signs that you’re seeing something through a lens of trauma, not reality:
1. Your reaction is disproportionately intense compared to the situation.
Why this is #1: Because trauma lives in the body, not just the mind. When something today echoes an old wound, the nervous system reacts as if the past is happening again—fight, flight, freeze, or fawn kicks in.
Examples:
- You feel panic after someone sets a boundary with you.
- A casual tone feels like deep rejection.
- You interpret silence or disagreement as abandonment.
Your clue: “This feels bigger than it should.”
Your body is trying to protect you from a hurt that already happened.
2. You make meaning immediately—and it’s usually self-blaming or fear-based.
Why this is #2: Because trauma doesn’t just hurt—it rewires how you assign meaning to events.
When your lens is trauma-filtered, the brain fills in gaps with fear, especially fear that reflects your core wound.
Examples:
- They didn’t reply. → “They hate me.”
- They’re distant. → “I must have done something wrong.”
- Someone raises their voice → “I’m not safe.”
Your clue: “I assumed the worst. And I assumed it was about me.”
The past pain hijacks your interpretation of the present.
3. You can’t access curiosity—only defensiveness, withdrawal, or urgency.
Why this is #3: Because trauma shuts down the part of the brain that allows for curiosity, context, and relational presence. When you’re in a trauma lens, everything feels binary, high-stakes, and final. There’s no room to wonder, “What else could this mean?”—it just feels like danger.
Examples:
- You shut down instead of asking questions.
- You feel like you need to fix or explain things immediately.
- You can’t tolerate not knowing or not controlling the outcome.
The clue: “I can’t stay open. I just need to survive this moment.”
Why These 3 Are Foundational:
- They come from embodied trauma, not just thoughts—they affect your nervous system, meaning-making, and relational capacity.
- They show up even if you’ve intellectually “moved on”—because healing the mind is not the same as healing the body.
- They’re incredibly common and recognizable, making them practical markers for YOU to start tracking your own healing process.
Reflect in Any Tense Situation: Am I seeing the objective truth, or am I seeing this through the lens of trauma?
Where Do Things Go Wrong When You Start to Reclaim Your Reality?
Going back to Intellectualization and rationalization
You don’t live in the same world as a narcissist. The world you see is defined by who you are, what you know, what you have been taught, your fears, and your shadow.
And the world that he lives in has been fragmented from the start, and it’s always about self-preservation, self-protection, and paranoia.
So, when you see something that’s not right and want to find a way to make it alright by rationalizing—creating stories and explanations to explain away what you just saw or felt to make it okay so that you are not uncomfortable—you are going backwards, not forward.
Rationalization is a psychological defense mechanism where a person justifies or explains away something uncomfortable, painful, or unacceptable with a reason that sounds logical—but isn’t the real reason.
It’s your brain’s way of saying:
“Let me tell myself a story that makes this okay, so I don’t have to feel the deeper truth.”
Rationalization is especially common in emotionally abusive dynamics.
For example:
“He only yells because he’s stressed from work.”
“She controls everything because she cares so much.”
These sound “reasonable”—but they cover up harm, often because it’s too painful to face what’s really happening.
We all have advanced degrees from MSU. Making Stuff Up.
Why We Rationalize:
- To protect our ego from pain or failure
- To avoid uncomfortable emotions like shame, guilt, or grief
- To stay in denial about something we’re not ready to face
Do you want to see the objective truth?
Are you ready to shed years of protective stories, narratives, and feelings?
Are you really ready for that?
Embrace Radical Honesty No Matter How Painful.
Don’t run away from things, and don’t explain away things. Deal with things head-on. Life is not your enemy. Negative events are not your enemy. We all enrolled in this school called Earth, and we are here to learn lessons and also to have fun along the way.
When things happen, there is always a reason for it (without attaching judgement or self-blame).
When something good happens, you don’t think too much of it; you celebrate and feel worthy and joyful and proud. When something negative happens, be curious. I wonder why this showed up on my doorstep.
Think of your emotions as the UPS truck delivering something to you. I wonder why this showed up on my doorstep.
And when something really bad happens, feel your emotions; feel them through the depths. They are not your enemy. They are your friend. What are they trying to show you?
Where You Go Right (When You Start Reclaiming Your Reality)
- Notice when you are rationalizing.
- Embrace radical honesty no matter how painful. Feel your feelings. They are your friends. They help guide you back to yourself.
- Notice the meaning you are making during your healing.
How Do You Assign Meaning to Experiences?
Feelings are yours and they are rooted in the meaning you attach to an experience—not in the experience itself.
So, if you’ve ever found yourself saying, “He made me feel this way” or “Why are you making me feel this way?” it’s a very natural response, but the shift happens with this truth. No one can make you feel anything without your consent.
Feelings are yours, and they are rooted in the meaning you attach to an experience—not in the experience itself.
We often assign personal meaning to other people’s actions.
As humans, we are meaning-making machines.
When caregivers couldn’t meet our emotional needs, your mind worked overtime, creating stories: “I must be unlovable, or I must have done something wrong.”
These stories become filters, shaping how we perceive the world.
But here’s the shift: You can rewrite those stories.
Your Filters Shape How You Perceive the World
Nothing has meaning until YOU assign it meaning.
For instance, “I am unlovable” becomes “I am now learning how to love myself.”
You are owning your feelings.
This is emotional freedom. When you change the meaning, you change how you feel. And when you change how you feel, you take back the power to choose your response.
Start by noticing the stories you tell yourself about painful situations. Ask, what meaning am I attaching here?
Then, consciously rewrite the narrative. Gently, slowly, and with awareness, you’ll see the shift: you are no longer a hostage to your emotions—you are their master.
And just a little reminder here. If you haven’t checked out your free gift yet, it’s ready and waiting for you. I know a lot of you have recently downloaded the free gift and sent me positive reviews.
If you haven’t done so, please go to https://transformintowisdom.com/guide and claim your gift: 4 Shifts to Transform Emotional Abuse into Wisdom
See The Objective Truth (don’t rationalize) + Embrace Radical Honesty (No matter how painful) + Meaning YOU Assign to the Experience (Ask, what meaning am I attaching here)
Consciously Dealing with Emotional Abuse Is Painful. Seeing the Truth Is Painful
And don’t kid yourself. Consciously dealing with emotional abuse is painful. Seeing the truth is painful, but it’s also the very thing that sets you free. And why is that?
Because of acceptance. You accept what happened. You accept that this is part of your growth for reasons that may not be immediately available to you but that you are still learning.
You accept that sitting in the discomfort and having unanswered questions is part of the growth.
Healing from abuse is about emotional mastery, personal leadership, and empowerment.
When it comes to healing from emotional abuse and reclaiming your reality, there is no magic bullet.
As humans, our perception is filtered through our unique lens defined by our internal filters (our past, our mindset, fears, dreams, level of consciousness, critical thinking, intuition, access to information, etc.).
Your Next Steps Forward
If there are 2 Lenses:
1: Objective—No Trauma: See objectively based on your knowledge and unique lens defined by our internal filters (our past, our mindset, fears, dreams, level of consciousness, critical thinking, intuition, access to information, etc.)
2: Lens of Trauma
– Objective truth? How do you know?
– Through the lens of trauma? How do you know?
How do you get from 2 to 1? We have covered that already.
OWN your truth.
Have awareness when you go from 1 to 2.
And before you know it, there is a feedback loop. You are not only seeing the objective truth but also keeping yourself honest.
OWN your truth.
Step into it with confidence. Lean into what you feel and know to be true for you. This means when a doctor tells you that what you are feeling is not real, what do you do? You lean into your truth and stand your ground and don’t let anyone shift your ground.
It’s not about being rigid; it’s about cultivating standing your ground of truth. Being rigid is a trauma response. But standing your ground in your truth—that is confidence and personal power. And when those times you find that you stood your ground and you were wrong, find out why.
Not as a punishment to self but as a way to calibrate. You want to learn about your blind spots.
In the next episode we will continue talking about reclaiming your reality after emotional abuse, and this time we will talk about a very important subject, which is reclaiming the nervous system.
Please take the things we spoke about and apply them to your life.
I will see you in the next episode.